The important characteristics that influence the adaptation of the spouses are their modesty and chastity. For this reason, the Islamic source to marry chaste women is emphasized. God as spoken by Prophet Adam (PBUH) after his happiness lies in following the Prophet (PBUH) is introduced, god ordered that Adam (AS) Accept my covenant and borrow only with good men and Pure and chaste women.
Accordingly, we survey the modesty and chastity position in marital life:
The concept of modesty and chastity
Modesty in word, in the sense is self-preservation of the desire and carnal lust. Modesty to preserve the soul of weakness Avoiding defects and faults is meaning. As carnal desires to different people and different situations, modesty and self-protection, it will be different; the poor chastity means that he gets what he is convinced and desires and passions of his soul open, otherwise it will not do so. You must be charitable to the poor that have been put in the way of god, unable to travel, and the intensity of abstinence, ignorant people consider them unnecessary.
Chastity in the rich, to preserve his soul from lust, which may come from wealth: Each person who needless, do the job and chastity. In cases where a person cannot marry, avoid lust by using a different way. In older women, to keep them from their favorite things such as layout and appearance of the building is adorned. They are allowed to unveiling but better modesty. In addition to the narrative of "modesty" in general, especially in the belly of lust and sexual instincts, special emphasis has been made.
This is indicates that most Human vulnerability from economic and sexual desires her. As the Prophet (PBUH) said: The most vibration toward fire is that abdomen and skirt. We survey chastity in sexual instinct and its role in adaptation to adjustment wives. Modest have important role in human growth movement towards perfection.
Imam Ali (PBUH) in his will to Muhammad Ibn Al says: Anyone who does not pay attention to breath is promoted. A sexual desire is important demands of the soul. For this reason modest is effective in compatibility wives. The Prophet (PBUH) is one of the characteristics of the women considered their chastity and said: This concept is meant to be other interpretations and also emphasized the traditions that men and women in general, is a special emphasis on women's modesty. Now the question that comes to mind is why emphasize on chastity and modesty wife's religion?
The importance of female sexual chastity
At the root of sexual morality such as modesty and chastity of women as the most accurate Mottahary of view is: Modesty and chastity current policy that a woman with a kind of inspiration for precious and maintain its position against men is applied. Inherently intelligent woman with a sense of especial found that physically cannot be equal with men. On the other hand hope the point is that there is need for the creation of the divine in man and put him into a symbol of love. When a woman find your state of against man and know his need against yours, keep your reach of man.
Ustad Shahid quotes Will Durant adds: Refrain from Expansion and forgiveness is the best weapon for hunting men. Young man looking modesty eyes and without knowing it, I feel that this refusal nicely result of high Kindness. So adds: Rumi, the impact on privacy and retaining the strength and popularity among men and women, In raising him, and the smelt man in fire of love Subtle reproduction and likens it to water and fire and says:
Man like water and women like fire. If the stayer is removed from the water and fire, water turn off the fire overcomes them; but if there was a stayer between them, but if there was a barrier between them, water in the pot and lit the fire under it; then the fire will affect the water and slowly heat it up and creates probably seething ferment. As far as the existence makes it vaporizes. Therefore the Prophet (PBUH) the characteristic modesty praise from the public, the better it is for women and has said: the worst people who are less characteristic. Modesty characteristic is a significant factor in maintaining and improving the position and orientation of male to female characters. Nevertheless, modesty of woman against other men is valuable; it means modesty of women cause of Promoting the compatibility of spouses, there are unsuitable modesty cause of mismatched. The modesty the origin of adaptation is certain that it is a wise modesty interpreted. The modesty result of knowledge. In some traditions, this feature is referred to as Ghoat modesty. In fact, one thing do not cause undesirable behavior is great force of person that does not allow behavior And therefore it is called Ghoat modesty. But such behavior on the basis of disability is removed, the current states of weakness modesty say. In my religious sources of this kind of modesty is not a compliment.
Imam Sadiq (AS) has said: The best women are someone who is remove modesty clothes for husband and the wear modesty clothes when go with him. These clothes such as armor protect her. That means so heavy to walk with dignity and that the beams considered lewd young people not allowed to enter his personality, but in the privacy of a husband, any delicate work, flirt and coquetry Gray for women, not only permitted. Muslim women should be mellifluous, sweet motion with her husband. Something that puts her among the Muslim women, so that these two seemingly contradictory able to maintain its existence. In short, women should know their combat dress and party wear each in their place.
Familiar with the manifestations of sexual chastity
By studying Islamic sources we find that chastity and sexual modesty, has various manifestations. Here are some of the phenomena and manifestations, we follow:
a. Chastity in sexual relations
The most important characteristic modesty, restrained of lust in sexual relations. In many traditions, the knowledge of God, the greatest such relationships are: God in the Quran, only the Sex as husband or slave only sexual partner or slave is characteristics mentioned believing men and says: Their skirts are keeping her from getting unchastely and only have sex with their wives and slave girls. So do not blame the use of them. Quran people that are not provided for the marriage, chastity calls and keep them from infection in sexual relations: those that cannot marriage must be virtuous pursuits.
b. Modesty in coverage
The other morals are respect for complete coverage. God in many verses considers features full coverage of Muslim women. The importance of coverage for women since it is clear that God first need to understand the coverage of elderly women, who have no hope of marriage and allowed them to veil without self-making; Then he said: If they are (with cover) chastity, the better for themselves.
c. Modesty in show off
Restraint of show off is another example of chastity and modesty. In Quran in verse 33 of Surah of the Holy Quran in Ahzab, Forbids women from the show off, In verse 60 of Surah Noor older women to be allowed to remove clothing such as veils and headscarves passive construction; But the decision to avoid the makeup and show off. This verse may be more effective show off against unveiling in Stimulation opposite sex.
d. Modesty in look
Imam Sajjad (PBUH) closing the eyes of unlawful restraint and modesty of the other examples for it. As he prayed for his friends and neighbors are offered: Oh, put me in the way that your eyes close on chastity.
Imam Ali (PBUH) as a sign of modesty is Chastity in look and said:
The virtue of chastity and looked at the abdomen.
e. Modesty in walking
The Holy Quran with Praise girl Shoaib'S walking (PBUH) in public places and in front of passers says: One of the two girls came unto Moses, while that worked with the utmost modesty.
f. Modesty in combination with passers
It is mentioned in the narrative accurately explain that to avoid mixing with passers is other characteristics of men and women is modesty and chaste. God in the story of Moses (pbuh) who had reached the gates of the city median, the story of two women is that men who are a little farther away from the water to their animals around the ring well, only to downgrade were sheep. When Moses (PBUH) asked their story is, they say: As long as men are scattered around the well (and we cannot feed our sheep without mixing with men) do not it. This verse confirms avoid mixing between men and women.
g. Creation and consolidation of wife modesty
At the end of the discussion of the role and importance of chastity and modesty after it became clear the relationship between partners, it is appropriate to point out some ways to create and establish the religion of modesty has to offer:
Cleanliness and Adornment of wife include the issues that underlie the realization wife modesty. The following story is well explained in this role:
Hassan Ben Jhm said to Imam Kazim (AS) and said: you have to decorate it? He replied: Yes, prepared and adorned of men is causing women to be chaste. Women because the men do not seem adorned, lose their modesty. Also, the story is as follows: the group came near Imam Sadiq, they see that he adorned. He replied: I love women and I'm ready for them. The result of these traditions is that trimming and optimal combination of factors that create and maintain the chastity of his wife and partners are in the field of compatibility.
Honor, hatred is natural in the sense that the avarice of others participating in the popular individual. Most important person for human is close relatives, especially his wife and children. Since its arrogant person who is interested, in his private affairs of others will not be allowed to participate, and this honor leads him to chastity: Imam Ali (AS): the value of everyone amount of his courage and his modesty amount of his honor. Because the man is interested to her husband not allow to other that to participate in the affairs. Honor is a divine attribute and if someone does not define the character, the heart is viewed upside down. Individuals who do not care about the chastity of his wife brought him to the licentious; He does not go to Paradise. Honor and respect to the chaste wife, the cause of protection of pollution due to be more compatible. But we should not forget that the same amount of shame on their position is effective in the chastity of his wife, inappropriate honor go away from virtue.
The Commander of the Imam Ali (AS) advised Imam Hassan (AS) had warned them of honor at the other place, they cause of disease.
a. Effect Modesty in adjustment of wives
After the initial expression, it appears that the effects of various doses of modesty and chastity in the partners and strengthening family review. This works as follows:
b.Loyalty to wife
Chastity and modesty prevented from committing any act of indecency exercised contrary to human dignity. The wife never allows betray your wife. Trusteeship is the factors affecting peace and reconciliation in the family system, as a betrayal is the factors affecting of many areas of the fragility of the family.
Moses (PBUH) asked God: what is reward someone leaves betrayal cause of modesty? He said his reward is security in hereafter. This story shows that one of the effects of modesty is leaving betrayal. Another story of Salman is quoted: When the god will to destroy servant away from modesty of her. So he only can do betrayal and when he became Traitor cannot be a trustee but his heart will become such as stone. This narrative is reason of Infidelity, infidelity against be betrayal, be betrayal against be angry, each of these alone is sufficient to undermine the family.
c. Feeling the need for wife
Islam has limitations in terms of sex, predisposing the person look at his wife as sole supplier sexual needs. When a man does not complied modesty in look and discussing and sexual relationship with other people In fact, he provides a part of their instinctive needs through the provision of non-spouse. This phenomenon not only makes the person have less feel need to be your wife, sometimes causes the person your partner with others in terms of beauty and attractiveness compared to other and have unpleasant feeling of having to find a wife. But when a man caring for his wife's sexual pleasure and just do a various pleasure with his wife And know a community is a place for work and efforts, After performing daily activities by happiness ineffable Waiting to meet his wife and Their emotional and instinctual needs and then Returned to his family. Also woman in addition to these instincts, at the moment is happy to return his wife to home and sexual and physical beautification, kindly bring his wife to the monopoly.
Consistency is the most important feature of this family. Thus - the Prophet (PBUH) in the expression of the characteristics of the woman have refers to this feature: The best woman is a woman show an ornament to her husband and appear to be virtuous, and modesty to other people and the worst women to show off to others, and the husband's reluctance:
Another result of modesty that followed previous results obtained is interest and love between the spouses; Imam Ali (PBUH) after mentioning some of modesty shows that kindness is result and said:
e. Creation and consolidation of respect and status
With the loss of modesty, betray covers life and violent behavior overshadowed life. Not only humans are associated with the devil, even the devil will became an example of the format of the human figure. This person is co-worker with the Great devil; she did not care about what others are judged; Recklessness covers of his life; Committed to her life has no meaning for her. Somebody is not tolerated for God, What seems to tolerate her husband. He also lose their respect, Therefore God does not respect him. Spouse must have a special place and the importance of safeguarding the quality and stability can be achieved.
f. Prevention the creation of evil
Modesty is on the one hand and against the creation of the evil closes, and on the other hand will not allow appears the evil that exists in the structure of personality, appears. Found evil
Is Incompatibility start in life, modesty of spouses is the grounds for the loss of vices, or at least hide it. In this situation caused by affection this solution could be hoped for a peaceful life.
The become appearance of real life
There are many ugly that appear of great evil. Disbelief, hypocrisy, Incompatibility and inconsistency are the consequences of pollution. Even if we can see worship in her, all postal existence is evil. Compatibility with such a situation is far from complete. The death of such a person is better than life. The Islamic texts clearly find that life is identifiable with this feature and so that Spouses are away from the characteristic, such as dead among living are better than life distance.
The skill of positive modesty (wisely) and negative modesty (silly)
Educational psychologists and scientists have offered one some solutions of positive modesty:
a. Internal control
Those people accept responsible for the events that happen to them "insider" are called. Because they have an internal locus of control, conversely, those who believe that most of the things that happen to them, it is out of control, "outsiders" are called. Many of the problems that happen to people is due to the people looking to control it with outside control To prevent problems, typically does not lead to the expected positive response; As a result, the person will be caught.
For example, people who are in the age of marriage, they feel that Social structure is pollution to Joiner desired and to deal with the pollution, to control external devices, including the government, social laws, parents, and the new social customs, chose the other way there is no contamination. As this control is not implemented; there is no choice but to accede to infection. With this view, it is natural that the modesty leaves from community.
As expected with external control modesty of the way to find and run the controls did not succeed. But if man had internal control, assumes responsibility for his actions and "problem solving approach" based on their ability to deal with the problem arises. To understand the difference between "internal" and "external" in every aspect of life, it will compare these:
1. insider people had more progress; Because they are less responsive to their defeat and withdrawal from the show And the success of their more personal satisfaction; But outsider people had expectations of others, and they are responsible for the failure to know, Show more negative reaction to the victory of their own do not have to feel superior.
2. When insider's people are faced with stressful life events, to deal with it, they tend to problem solving methods to control cope with stressful events, while external people are mainly to be controlled even by imagination and wishful expectations of others react.
3. Insiders people are more independent and responsible life events and their physical and mental health to accept more responsibility, While the outsider people of the health of others, and are believed accordingly, they do not feel responsible.
4. The initial assessments to evaluate their internal event, stressful events are not viewed as a threat, but it is thought to be solvable problems. Their secondary is relevant to study the problem, look promising; Because they know their own coping skills, Unlike other external events as a threat against it and emotional reactions (anger) or avoidance (avoid relationships) on the ballot. Because of their attitude towards life are not coping, the difficulty can be relied upon to actively respond to the problems of life. When the comparison internal and external people, we see that insider's people believe more than other:
- The people can gain respect to deserve in world.
- Success is the result of much effort and luck less important role in the success.
- Misery and deprivation is often as a result of their own mistakes.
- There is a direct relationship between effort and results desired.
- Those who cannot do work that others love them, do not know how to get along with others.
- In contrast, most outsiders' people more believe:
- Unfortunately, the value of person unknowns how often the person's effort remains.
- get a good job, mostly depends on the circumstances of time and place.
- Many of the unpleasant events of life are due to misfortune.
-Trying to satisfy the people are not benefit because every trying but people are not satisfied.
Therefore the Insiders people in front of modesty take an active approach. To have a good modesty in personal affairs, Self-control In other words, internal control is very effective; however, according to the Social Affairs to suggest that we should not force you to ignore the facts. In today's world events occurred that we cannot control it. Blaming you for things that happen around us -With this interpretation we are ashamed of their failure, and we know that these events are due to their failure to know. It is not realistic. We have done our job to be in the range of personal, social, Responsibility disasters or social exclusion although not our favorite and want to change it. We are not responsible and everything does not happen the way we want. The best way to deal with such a situation, This is the event we accept as reality and using their internal locus of control, The most consistent way to cope with something that is not our favorite find.
b. Problem solving
Problem solving is a practical coping skill that leads to confidence and accordingly, there is a feeling of competence, Mastery and empowerment. Problem solving has five steps:
2. Problem definition
3. List the various solutions
Sometimes people would be valuable things to obtain that environment is not associated with it and may be set to the value end delay, Feel lonely and associated and have not found a good friend. In this case, the first step is to know himself well, There are not strengthened from the outside, He must develop a sense of self. Values, assets and his ability to recognize good and is willing to look at other people's evaluation; because they will use to judge their value indices and naturally point to her, they would not be positive. Who is successful at problem solving differences and values that lead to a situation is problematic, considered a part of life and to deal with impulsive and emotional impact is not to feel frustrated and alone away from her. The current situation is highly needed that People for choose to conduct their understanding of the valve, If you want to index or take advantage of others, was not happy with his choice. In the second step we must right know the issue that we are face on it. Identify key problems and conflicts and then provide a list of your goals. For example, if you want to study and go to university and feel where there will be problems, the main problem with the goals of your university entry list to find out which of the problems in the university is facing a problem with your goals and you must solve in order to deal with it. In the third step they must know the solutions. All solutions are investigated and take notes.
Try to find the solution, be creative. Possible solutions that have already recounted to you or in other situations you have experienced. Not appropriate for your current location. Once you set your mind to work to create a new solution. Your plan should be flexible to solve the problem so you would not be very limited. In the fourth step, according to the definition of the problem and evaluate various solutions. A solution that is more practical and more is possible, choose and know that in most situations. There are many ways to correct.
So in a way it does not stop there. After selection and decision-making, predict possible outcomes. The final step is the choice to try. The value of a person should suffer. If the chosen strategy was successful, On the other hand, or re-issue of alternative solutions pursue, the best way to deal with the problem.
c. Maintain pride
If a man all his successes as a result of serendipity or help others to know, what will your concept? It may indeed be grateful; but it's hard to be proud of it. When a person who feels prides to grow and develop their skills and has worked hard to achieve success.
If humans due to environmental conditions Or family to achieve success, Undoubtedly the interests and good works that benefit and compared with those who have been unsuccessful, Are very different; But first, the level of satisfaction of this person compare with the Satisfaction level who laboriously and its overwhelming success has captured the. Not comparable; Second, self-esteem this person's self-esteem and stability who threw their independence from the desired result, the two are very different. Third, access to
Prosperity is apart from the matter of pride.
Pride, the result of self-sufficiency and competency is which plays a major role in obtaining results and feeling much stronger. There are sensory Much stronger than wins in humans. we need a this sense in an all stages of our lives for we can defend of our value for have modesty.
Assertiveness, The defense of their rights, rethought and their feelings, the direct method, truly and appropriate be done. This people respect for self and others. They are not passive. In addition, Respect to others need.do not let others take advantage of them and the violent manner in which they communicate. For avoid weakness of modesty and silly modesty, Must have completed their assertiveness. Positive or wise modesty is the human who does not have the ability to do anything; but also have the ability to double; also have the ability to do anything and are able to inhibit and reasonable to do to avoid it. Making the modesty wise man show, must be accompanied by three skills
e. Expression emotions
You have spoken out clearly to another; but realize that you do not accuse others. They must not aggressive. Using words that show your positive emotions, you add and allowed to move yourself and respect others.
f. Empathy with others
Try to understand the needs of others. If you need to find them, they accept to you better than others. This does not mean that what women want, accept it. But can you oppose their wishes; but to show that you understand their feelings.
Here are a variety of ways and all of them will bring you to your wishes, the best way to choose wisely. There is not always a solution to achieve the desired. You can take advantage of assertiveness in several ways; the method you choose not to offend the feelings of others. So that kind of modesty is not aggressive approach, Neither of the other demands we are spineless submission, As we read polite and modesty That is modesty stupid; But with expressions of assertiveness, Empathy and skill, modesty wise to show itself.
Examples of assertiveness, spineless and aggression in the following way it can be shown:
1. The seller will force you to buy something from him and tells you: I let that gift for you?
Reply with dismay: Yes, if good kind is OK.
Aggressive response: So you do not have to. Do not buy anything from you.
Reply with assertiveness: I'm sorry; I am not prepared to buy.
2. A person will pass in front of his in queue order and says: Let sooner you buy it? I am in a hurry.
Reply with dismay: very good.
Aggressive response: Hey, what do you want, you should go end of line.
Reply with assertiveness: Sorry, I cannot, I am in a hurry.
Therefore, we are not subject to the revival silly, should assertiveness skills to bring up.
Humor is another way to deal with stress. Freud knows the humor in the body's defense mechanism. From his point of view Humor is a unique and rare talent which allows us to deal with stress in our own: Look at, the meaning is apparently dangerous world called, like a game of kids that are very funny. "Humor helps us as follows: To be able to stressful situations as well as we face on it. First, it enhances our sense of efficacy and makes it instead of fear. Illuminate our path in haste and stress, easily and without problems deal with events. This skill is a kind of self-approval.
Second, it helps us to get away from the problem. This is an opportunity to find out, to find solutions to deal with the problem deeper Benefit from it.
Third, we look at each base to support others in need, basically, the deeper the support of others, our satisfaction is higher. We want people who are our Sponsors and to respond effectively when the risk, the people who want to be happy, Wholesome and are humorous.
Fourth, the humor is not the sense of honor or indifferent. In fact a person cannot be sad and happy at the same time. Yes, it cannot express the sorrow appearance and the opportunity to make their behavior, the negative effects of stress.